LOUDwork pt 1
Sharing the words...a point on a journey
Curious Reader,
A few years ago, a dear friend and program director, Leah, offered me sweet feedback on my performance evaluation. It was the first time I felt someone was more confident in my skills and ability than me. It was a gift to have an external voice vibrantly articulating my gifts and way of being I did not cherish. She also named one growth area I did not and could not see for myself, “when we are talking and working together, you are an intentional and deep thinker. I notice when we are in larger groups, you restrain yourself and are not as confident. Sometimes, when people are afraid to speak, it’s because they do not think they will be heard. Can you share your brilliance with others?” (I am paraphrasing, hehehehe, but it was the gist!) My heart faltered, my throat constricted, and my eyes burned. I knew what she was talking about. So, I quickly proceeded to treat the request as a technical issue.
It was a gift to have an external voice vibrantly articulating my gifts and way of being I did not cherish.
As a wonderful problem solver, I signed up for a storytelling workshop, I Am by Ancestors' Wildest Dreams, led by Ferene Paris Meyer, and volunteered for as many leadership roles that required public speaking. At the time, I knew I could put on a performance and wow a crowd if I needed to. I have a background in musical theater, dancing, science competitions, speech classes, facilitation, teaching, and a repertoire of funny cousins & ecstatically flamboyant pastors captivating a crowd. I understood the mechanics of public sharing, crafting a compelling narrative, and juicy zin (which I translated as somewhere between spectacle and spilling tea) and I hoarded my truest and softest thoughts and words. Dear reader, I skated right over the second part of the feedback. Sometimes people who have difficulty speaking do not think they will be heard.
At the time, I could not integrate that piece of information because she was absolutely correct. I know and knew what I have to offer, say, articulate is good, interesting, and juicy. After all, I spend a lot of time with myself, and I can be thoroughly entertaining and incisive. I did not believe precious voice and wondering would be received or that others cared enough for me to share those parts of me. I was trained from an early age not to offer my opinion, or at least to offer the ONLY opinion after checking what is in the space and what the space care for me to speak into it. I do not always get it right. When I did not get it right as a young person, I was dismissed, rebuked, and chastised.
I hoarded my truest and softest thoughts and words.
In school, I was really good at guessing and predicting what could be the right answers to those with positional power. I even stopped having critiques of teachers because I knew if I thought of it eventually, I might share them out loud. I practiced swallowing words, then emotions, thoughts, and perspectives. I covered mine with others. Some may call it masking, camouflaging, assimilating, self-betrayal, being colonized, or any number of other things. What I am not-so-humbly bragging about, I did a fantastic job at it! However, the results devastated my sense of well-being and led us here!
May you see the clear reflection of your beauty, kind reader.
(Part 2 coming soon…until then, subscribe to scroll below for some dark humor)
Tips & Tricks to Swallow Who You Are as a Young Person*
When you are hurt, turn your attention somewhere else & keep it there
when you start crying, hold your breathe & tighten your body until it hurts more than what made you cry in the first place
build a story for yourself, letting you know “no one cares”
Become No One
*Consequences may lead to low self-efficacy, social isolation, anxiety, unfathomable rage, depression, suicidality, and the illusion of fitting in.
Until we meet again…
Flore